Evan Rachel Wood on suffering abuse: It took me seven years to cry about it


Evan Rachel Wood was a guest on Dax Shepard’s Armchair Expert Podcast. She talked about her career, she started on stage as a child when her father ran the local theater in Raleigh, North Carolina. She also open up about being a victim of domestic abuse and about what she’s learned has an advocate for other domestic abuse sufferers. Last week Evan revealed that she had been in an abusive relationship in her early twenties. On Armchair Expert she discussed how victims become entrenched in relationships and find it hard to escape, and how she could relate to that. They were talking about abuse in the context of the R Kelly documentary and how gradual and insidious it can be.

This is the first time I’ve listened to Dax’s podcast and I came away with an appreciation for what he’s trying to do. He wants to be open about important issues. In the past he’s revealed the sexual abuse he suffered as a child, and his mother opened up on his podcast about being a domestic abuse survivor. He talked about that in this episode as well.

What is the attraction to working with domestic abuse [groups]
I’m a survivor myself. It wasn’t until very recently that I came to terms with everything and was able to identify what had happened. When it happens it’s very complicated. You lie to yourself, you’re being lied to, gaslit. You lose a sense of self and a sense of reality.

People don’t realize there’s generally like 8 really strong steps in route to [physical abuse]
I related a lot to [the R. Kelly documentary]. There’s a lot of ways that you can be abused that aren’t physical. There’s a lot of ways that somebody can control you and prevent you from leaving the situation without ever having to restrain you.

What they don’t talk about is that the person that hit you is somebody that you love very much. You’ve seen this amazing side to them. You don’t want to believe that’s who they are.

Was it fulfilling any romantic fantasy of yours about being in a Sid and Nancy relationship?
100% .That was in the beginning. ‘It’s me and you against the world, man.’ You’re both outcasts and you feel like you’re a part of something really special. They make you feel like they need you. They share something very personal that makes them vulnerable. You go ‘I see where this comes from, it’s not your fault. I’m going to excuse this behavior.’

When I hear all [these stories] I don’t hear the personal voyage [of] owning your own mistake and forgiving yourself for that
I was acting out and I was really impulsive and defensive. On the surface it would have seemed like I was an a-hole, but I was really suffering.

Have you had therapy for it?
Absolutely, but it took me seven years to even be able to cry about it. I walked away going ‘If I’m in pain because of this then they win.’ I wanted to forget it had ever happened and press on. I was a shell of a person. I had to sacrifice so much of myself to keep somebody happy that by the end I didn’t know who I was anymore.

It’s threatening to your identity to have been in that situation
I think it is absolutely important to lift the shame about it. A lot of people walk away and you lie to yourself to make sense of what’s happened to you. ‘This is my fault,’ ‘I should’ve left.’ It’s obviously not that easy.

[From Armchair Expert Podcast around minutes 22-33]

Honestly I didn’t listen to the entire hour and a half interview and I’m sure there are more gems in there. (She did talk about tweeting to Ben Affleck when she misread his secondhand comments on kissing a guy for Chasing Amy.) I was impressed with how they explained abuse and the cycle of abuse, and how victims are blamed for not leaving immediately. You see that in the the response to the R. Kelly and Michael Jackson documentaries, and to stories about Amber Heard being abused by Johnny Depp. Evan is a great spokesperson for this cause because she’s lived it and she understands it.

After I wrote up the first story on Evan opening up about her abuse she posted a video about it. In her talk with Dax she said that just thinking about a character she’s played can bring her to tears because the emotions are close to the surface. I get teary when remembering tough times in life too and could relate.

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